When will my superpowers manifest themselves?

When I was just a bean in my mother’s belly, she decided one day that the oven really needed cleaning. Imagine her shock when she felt a little electrical current going through her hand as she rubbed the wet cloth along the live metal. She was worried about my health, but I was fine in that regard. However, between that and the fact that we grew up with power lines in our backyard, I’ve been patiently waiting lo these many years for my superpowers to manifest themselves.

I thought they would show up sometime around puberty, perhaps appearing in a Carrie-like holocaust at the Junior High dance. But aside from the power of the rhythm that slowly moves awkward kids from complete standstill, to bounce, to full-out lip over-biting elbows-and-knees cracklin’ motion, nothing magical occurred.

Having passed the usual milestones of age – 18, 21, and recently 30 – I’m starting to think they’ll come along too late for me to enjoy them fully. Although in a few years, the right ones could really make my pending midlife crisis memorable.

Ah, so you ask that favorite ice-breaker question… if I were a superhero, which one would I be? Glad you asked. I would be Jayna of the Wonder Twins. She’s the one who got to be any animal she wanted. I could spy on others by literally being a fly on the wall – or save on scuba rentals by turning into a dolphin – or scare some kids by turning into a shark – or turn into an eagle and fly off laughing, if eagles laugh. Many of the perks of being a superhero are represented by Jayna’s powers.

And what did her brother Zan get? The ability to turn into some form of ice, like an ice saw or an ice wrench or a bucket of water. It’s not hard to see who got the short end of that ice stick. My powers would include not needing to hang around with him anymore. Like a good detergent, I'd be totally self-activating.

Anyway, aside from a better-than-average ability to control dice and an uncanny knack for determining the done-ness of grilling meat, nothing’s shown up yet. But in 20 years, watch out. Hot Flash would be a great name for a superhero or villain. And I bet it hasn’t been taken yet.